Sexuality and Spinning My Self-Concept

Hello all! It’s been a while since I’ve been writing because I’ve been dealing with some psychological dips in the road. My confidence got shaken a little bit by self-doubt, wondering if what I have to say is valuable or what qualifies me to even speak on the topic of spirituality.

‘Am I doing something irresponsible by sharing my insights?’

‘Am I presenting the information the right way?’

‘Maybe I should wait until I’m further down the spiritual path to share…’

Then I realized that I was taking myself too seriously again. I was identifying too much with my insights, thoughts, and identity. The ego is a sneaky devil that comes in many disguises. ;)

It occurs to me now that I should treat my videos and blogs in the same way that I’ve treated my artwork. When I was painting and creating art on a regular basis, I didn’t think “What qualifies me to make this painting?” or “Is this painting valuable to someone?’ I just made it because it was what I wanted to make and if people enjoyed it or didn’t enjoy it… there it was.

So, the fruit of my contemplation, insight seeking, and research wants to be expressed. Without an outlet to share, it’s almost unbearable to me. So, even if I’m not exactly Lao Tzu… I won’t fight what wants to come from me any longer.

So, I am committing myself to expressing whatever comes in the most transparent way that I can fathom. I will share things that have helped me as I’ve navigated my way through life and share more of my struggles via my blog and videos. I definitely need to do more of that. I consider myself a beginner on the path of spirituality, and I don’t know if my videos and blogs thus far have done a great job at expressing that.

So, on that note, here’s some dirt on my psychological state. J

So, ever since I was a child, I’ve perpetually held some form of a crush. It’s always on one person at a time, who is at a distance from me. In the past, I used to create entire romantic narrative around this individual. And they usually lasted anywhere from 6 months to a year.

So, in my spare moments and before going to sleep I would engage in romantic fantasies about this person (whoever it was at the time). When I was under age seven, my fantasies contained a lot of fairytale themes like getting married, dancing, and a true love’s kiss.

Then I learned about sex, and those fantasies went out the window. Possibly because sex is a lot biologically closer to becoming “one” with another person than marriage is. Marriage is an institution; sex is an instinct.

As I learned more about sex, my fantasies went from romantic to increasingly more graphic. Then a lot more social learning occurred through the media, pornography, my own experiences of sex, social ideas regarding gender and sexuality, and tons of other micro-influences. So, I ended up with some really unhealthy attitudes about what sex means, what it means to be a woman, and what it means to be a woman as a sexual being.

I often find myself battling with identifying with ideas that are disempowering to me as an individual. Worrying about my youth fading. Worrying that I’m not attractive. Worrying that I’m missing out on something. Worrying that I’ll never feel sexually satisfied. Worrying about losing social value or attention. So, lots of worrying and lots of ego identification.

So, several weeks ago, I was doing Spiritual Autolysis (a process for reaching enlightenment by Jed McKenna) and I had an insight regarding perception. I realized that I had been holding an unconscious Idea that perceptions were actually being detected by some sort of sense mechanism. When seeking enlightenment, you’re trying to become aware of all beliefs and assumptions no matter how true they may seem. So, I awoke in the middle of the night and decided to drop in on my perception.

So, I looked mindfully to the tactual sensations within my field of awareness and tried to remove them from the idea that they were being experienced by some nerve endings that are on “my” body. When I did this, it started to feel very strange like my sensations were collapsing in on one another in a field of emptiness. I felt myself “going away” almost like I would imagine death to be.

Then, all of a sudden, some thoughts sprung into the emptiness, telling me that my beauty is fading every day that passes. Worrying about losing attractiveness and significance in that way. Then emotions came: insecurity, resistance, anxiety, and a sick feeling. These thoughts pulled me back from the experience.

Then it hit me. All of my insecurities about my sexuality and attractiveness are an ego defense mechanism… And all of my fantasies too. They are two sides to the same coin that my ego has been using to keep me identified with my self concept. It has been my ego’s way of surviving.

I have always been introspective even when I was a child. I remember being 4 years old in my room thinking about how time works and trying to hone in on the “now.” I remember trying to stop my thoughts. I had always been doing ego deconstruction work. It’s come very naturally to me, even before I ever knew anything regarding spirituality, psychology, or personal development.

So, all the romantic fantasies, that I’ve been stealing away to using as a drug to self-medicate with, have been to continue weaving my self-concept. My romantic fantasies and sexual insecurities have been keeping me asleep and away from liberation.

The self-concept (ego) has to be constantly woven and rewoven to even exist. This is why meditation is so effective at wearing away at the ego, because when you divert your attention away from thought, it loses power and starts to fade from your memory. Since the self-concept is a thought, taking your attention away from it makes your mind lose memory of it fairly quickly. Kind of like trying to remember a number sequence, you have to constantly be thinking about your “self” to keep it in your memory. This is why you can’t stop your thoughts. It is the persistence of thoughts that keeps your self-concept alive. It is what gives you the illusion of separation from all other things in existence.

So, this whole time, I’ve been looking in the wrong spots for enlightenment.

So, my solution is starve out those thoughts. For the next 64 days, I will not allow myself to engage in any fantasies, insecurities, thought stories, etc. that relate back to romance or sexuality. When I become mindful of my mind going to thoughts like that, I will put my focus on my sensory perceptions. What I see, hear, feel, smell, or taste. These will be my anchors in reality that keep my ego from spinning these thought stories.