So, it's been almost seven months since I wrote in my blog, and I've been promising to get back to doing it. So, I wrote up a new schedule for writing to go along with creating my videos. It's my hope that with my blog posts, I can cover more personally based topics about my experiences with seeking enlightenment throughout the week. So, this week, I've been struggling a bit with some uncomfortable emotions.
I've been feeling overwhelmed with existence itself... or at least the idea of existence as unending when I try to fathom it. Now in the past, I've had a lot of anxiety about knowing that death would come to me at some random point. And I had a lot of fear of not being there for my children or not reaching goals or other concerns. But this anxiety has diminished quite a bit, but given way to its opposite.
Currently, I feel very uncomfortable with life being as long as it is. Like, I'm 27 now, and if I live to be 87, that's 60 more years. That's a long time. For some reason, this is overwhelming to me recently, and it makes me feel a little trapped in the experience of being me. Like, when I think of all that is to come and go and the emotional ups and downs and the uncertainty, I feel very boxed into this experience. Then, I get thinking about how my true nature is infinite, and this intellectually sounds very daunting, because of my beliefs and assumptions about something unending and unchanging.
Now, I want to specify, that I'm not suicidal in this discomfort. I still very much want to live. But the thought of life as a non-directional thing, is very emotionally uncomfortable. Letting go of the idea that life has a purpose or point, is like setting down a security blanket I've been holding my entire life. I think my discomfort stems from the fact that I'm beginning to let go of my achiever/directional/purposeful mentality in moments throughout the day.
Achievement, subtle competition, and goal-setting have often narrowed my focus and given meaning to my life and validation to my sense of self. Now, I'm starting to notice in a very tangible way (not intellectually but experientially) how futile it is to engage in these types of competitor and "setting myself apart" mindsets. The point of life is not to be competent and it is not to be superior to others in some way. There is no point... but if there were a point it would simply be to live and experience life.
But this goal-setting, achievement, superiority-seeking nature has been a crutch for many insecurities of mine, so I don't have to face deep feelings of inadequacy. So, now that I'm beginning to let go I'm dealing with this uncomfortable feeling of emptiness and powerlessness. I know at this point that I can't DO anything that will make myself feel lastingly better. Even achievement and goal setting is no longer a viable hiding spot for me. I just have to be still and let reality happen. It's how I imagine it would be like to be trapped inside of a coffin. There is nowhere to move and nothing you can do and you know it, but your natural reaction is panic and to flail all over the place because the emotions are so intense. But you know that doing so would increase your panic because the fear will become more present and tangible, as your emotional reactions would meet the limitations of the space you're confined in. So, you just try to stay really still, to keep the panic at a simmer.
So, in these moments when life becomes overwhelming and feels like there is no escape from the constant flux of living moment to moment, I try to disengage from thoughts the best that I can. It's only my thoughts about the situation that make it unbearable. I simply have to allow myself to be still and these discomforts will naturally fall away as many other mindsets have. But it's very difficult when the emotions are so uncomfortable.
I'll keep you updated on my progress and my internal experience of being a seeker as the weeks progress.