For those of you who follow my Youtube channel, you know that I have just posted a video about sleep paralysis and out of body experiences. I have been having these phenomena happen to me since I was thirteen years old, which is exactly half of my life. Most of the time I’m pretty happy to have these experiences because of their implications for self-exploration and reintegrating my shadow. However, sometimes I have very unsettling experiences and for a long time I thought that I was being possessed. I don’t believe this to be the case anymore and I find that my mood is a great predictor for what kind of experience I will have.
However, sometimes these experiences throw me a curve ball and I have an unsettling experience despite feeling very neutral. My suspicion is that this happens because I have an issue that I’m not aware of that is attracting these negative symbols/entities (depending on which perspective you take).
So, here is my most recent unsettling out of body experience. This happened about a year and a half ago.
I had fallen asleep on the couch by accident that night. I was asleep for several hours when I woke up with sleep paralysis. I was looking into Kundalini at the time and I wanted to see if I could make energy flow up and down my spine more easily during sleep paralysis. I was able to feel sensations shooting up my spine and, as I focused, I began to separate from my body at an angle, where my feet were still where my physical feet were but my head was about a foot above my physical head. (I have been able to replicate this method of exit several times since this experience too.)
I quickly snapped out of the state and I sat up on the couch. Suddenly, there is a sound at the door of someone unlocking it with a key. It is my mother who has just gotten home from work and she’s setting her bags down at the door. She starts small talk with me about how difficult her day has been and how exhausted she is. Suddenly, it occurs to me that this is strange. My mother doesn’t work in the middle of the night and she also doesn’t live with me. As this thought dawns on me, my mother stares at me blankly and floats into the bedroom that is parallel to the living room. She floats sidelong and very quickly and never breaks eye contact with me. She knows that she has been found out.
I get up from the couch to see what is happening in the other room. I am greeted at the doorway by my daughter who is very spritely and full of life. I stand next to her and I look into the room that my mother has just floated into. It is the same as that room normally is except there is a couch there. On the couch, sits my husband, father, mother, and sister looking at me with empty eyes and motioning me to come join them with a zombie-like slowness. I go back to the couch and fall asleep.
So, a very unsettling experience to say the least. I have experienced shape-shifters in this state once before that try to convince you that they are someone you know. One time, I woke up to my high school boyfriend getting home from work early only to find that his personality was different. After I realized that it wasn’t him, he jumped on me and began biting me really hard. I snapped out of it and the room was the same only he wasn’t home yet.
Now, I suppose this could be some other-dimensional experience where I’ve attracted evil forces to myself, but there are still parts of me that are unwilling to believe that. Now, I can never really know whether the experience is objectively real any more than I can prove that any subjective experience of mine is real. So, I hold it as a possiblitlity. But I think the most helpful way to look at this experience is to think about it psychologically.
What does it mean about me? If I have attracted negative entities in some other dimension, why? If these are just symbols of my subconscious mind, why are they so negative? Why are they my family members?
I suspect that this comes from my discomfort with making and maintaining deeper connections with people, including my family members. Deep down, I love people and prior to age 16, having close relationships and friendships was easy for me. I was never short on emotion and I loved deeply, even if I had a resistance to showing it.
However, since then, my focus has been away from maintaining and enjoying relationships to more abstract pursuits of achievement and knowledge. These have become my comfort zone and security blanket. So, I’m very uncomfortable around people, even family members. I’m afraid of messing things up. The discomfort makes me retreat more, which begets more discomfort. I don’t have these with my husband or children but I definitely keep myself emotionally insulated. I often resist feeling strong positive or negative emotions because of the semi-conscious fear I have about losing them one day.
I’ve become like a turtle that doesn’t like to come out of its shell. So, maybe those shape-shifting family members in that room were symbols of the awkwardness and discomfort that I feel toward people. Maybe my daughter, who was spritely, represented my more loving and open self. But, I’m not gonna lie, I would never go in that room for a million dollars. Hell no!